Lost Words of 2020
A collection of memories, channeled words, and prose through the months of 2020.
Time is but an illusion my friend, a construct we’ve created…so when you think about it like that, the new year becomes a little less glamourous. Womp.
But since we humans like to thrive on structure and understanding, I figured I’d honor that by reflecting back on all my writing from the year. I think we can all say, 2020 was particularly overwhelming.
This year taught me to be grateful.
I’m grateful for the moments I had to rest and slow down, forcing me to dig into the deepest depths of my soul; retrieving shadow selves and shedding stagnant layers. I’m grateful for the opportunity and privilege to learn from so many amazing guides and teachers while building a business I’m passionate about.
And of course, I am eternally grateful for you. What a blessing this has been, and continues to be.
Take a look back at the beginning of 2020…what has changed? Where do you lie between yearning for the future and feeling nostalgic for the past? Consider that, and move ahead.
This year was all about learning, growing, and trying new things. Part of my reflection was re-reading words from various journals and reminiscing on huge awakenings through heart and voice. So I’d love to share a recap of what I like to call, Lost Words: A collection of memories, words, poetry and prose through the months of 2020.
Wishing peace in your heart, love to your soul & a rushing fire of passion.
January
A recent inventory: My grandmother’s beautiful paintings. Lavender candle. Sirens in the distance…ugh, NYC. This fluffy rug mmm…coffee on my tongue.
A petal from my Christmas cactus that bloomed for the first time this weekend. A symbol of heart opening, just in time for the Queen of Love.
Family connections: story that my mom told me about my great grandparents. I connected with a long lost cousin from DNA ancestry.
During my third love practice, I glimpsed a world full of beautiful, confident women dancing and playing together. It was incredible. I cried.
February
My glass dildo that I’ve had for a while played a huge role in my practices this month.
A buzzing energy inside that feels trapped—cannot sleep through the night.
Lots of alone time lately. I’ve been feeling a bit isolated and pent up with energy.
Dreams about men of my past…
March
A recent inventory: The sight of beautiful ancient landscapes—Grand Canyon. Smell of cacao. Bus whirring by. Velvety pillows and coffee.
Awakening. Serendipity. Primal Energy.
This whole month has been changing rapidly with the pandemic. Times are uncertain, life is surreal. It’ll all be ok—life’s on pause.
All of 2016 seems to come rushing back to me—sadness—fear from almost losing everything.
I resisted the urge to act impulsively. Things have seemed a lot more clear.
I surrendered to the underworld & retrieved a piece of my shadow self—The Rebel Slut.
April
A recent inventory: Blue hue over the world. The smell of onions cooking. Birds chirping. Fluffy rug. Banana.
Tantra. Kundalini yoga. Pineal gland.
Buzzed my head because my grown out blonde hair looks like some crazy animal and I’m not getting to a salon anytime soon.
Finally started HonorThy Instagram account.
May
This seems to be the only month I didn’t have anything written down. I must have been too immersed in my own magic and upset of the world.
June
Channeling Desire
What is desire, if not for you? Is it yours?
Do you carry it heavy in your heart?
A yearning, learning
Growing even higher
Only you can forge your destiny
It is only true for you
Letting go of external falsities
Is it really you?
Ask yourself, really…
Is it really you?
Yearning, learning
Reaching deeper to your depths
Have you got it yet?—No
Repeating yet again
Digging longer, stronger
Have you got it yet?
A hunger—yes.
Now, what do you desire?
An explosive Kundalini awakening through the sounds of Donna Summer’s ‘I Feel Love’.
July
This month we took a road trip to Colorado and there were many downloads and channeled writing leading up to and during…
An Inquiry
Deep surrender to let go. What am I holding on to that I need to let go?
Womb: let go of all that is keeping you small.
Inhale: Inner Sanctum. Exhale: Infinite Space.
Heart: stand in your truth.
From Mary Magdalene
I have been here all of your life child, showing up in church—why do you think you’ve had the fascination?
I’ve been calling you sometime, and you never asked to know who it was?
You must always ask.
There is nothing to fear, my child. You have the gift. You are just now beginning to learn.
Stay grounded in your transmission.
Transmission is the frequency of your original essence.
I will come to you when you call. I was there for your initiations into this path.
Listen to me, child.
Psychic Development
I can feel this hitting home for you. The silly labels that we have put on ourselves in this human race is despicable. It is ok to have these feelings of confusion moving through you. All your life you have been asked, “what are you?” To the point where you weren’t sure and had to choose one.
The world is not fair. It has become what it is from the decisions and actions of our ancestors. And for many, the inability to to make a decision at all is what’s truly devastating.
Let it move though you. You have the tools to do so. I am training you everyday, pay attention. Prepare properly for your road trip—it will be a great reset for you.
Witnessing the growth of flowers blooming. You are blooming into your role as a leader, teacher, coach, and guide. You were made for this and you are learning. Don’t be afraid to take risks. Fear will always be there—it’s how we handle it that matters.
Resilience to shame and fear will be big assets as you move through this new career and journey. Talk to other people. Use your skills as an artist to organize and create a community.
We are in a time of great shifts in humanity. Humans are waking up to a much bigger truth. There is so much more out there than you can even comprehend. Look up at the sky at night during this trip and you will see. There is so much more.
You know this—you have witnessed the web. This is what connects us all.
Cripple Creek, CO
There’s something of the Old Gods here
Slow, heavy frequencies
Echoing through the air
Vibrations of my womb
The powers of creation
Lay untapped, ready for initiation
Download after download
The words drip through me
Singing sweetly of ancient mystery
The darkness so dark
I cannot see in front of me
A thread keeps pulling me closer
Rolling tops created eons ago
resting sternly in foundation
Winds drifting and shifting
the ever moving landscape
Cycles of seasons unsaid
A distant wisdom—I hear the faintest whisper
What’s unknown is known—you only have to listen
What’s unknown is known—you only have to listen.
August
This month was, in many ways, retrievals of the self…
Psychic Development
A yellow car driving down the road. It is leaving, going somewhere new. Following a river flowing down stream. You are not sure where this path is taking you. It is unknown. Only you need to trust.
Flowers blooming in mind’s eye. Red with the fragrance of rose. Lean in to smell the roses, but careful not to let them prick your finger. Passion is knocking at your door.
An anger so red…the steam begins to rise. Compression in the body ready to blow.
It’s ok to ease into things, though there is a tendency to dive head first.
He is out there. A twin flame. Mirroring each other’s steps.
You’ll know when you get there—a flame licking in front of you.
The sun is hot, but you have no fear standing in front of it. A burning of old selves—melting deliciously.
How do we know when it needs to end?
It never does. Unto your death.
Listen to the signs we have been sending you. Your answers will slowly reveal themselves.
Patience is gold. No need to rush itself.
You already know the answers. Sit patiently to reveal them.
You have no more potential than anyone else. It’s how you use the signs that matters.
Your actions will take you there.
Trust in the unknown depths.
They are calling to you.
Doorways to Past Selves: past life regression
I gathered unknown objects, symbols of the past: shell, gold snake bracelet, red sneakers, a pearl.
Wearing a black and white polka dot dress, walking alone into a forest. Finding a dark space and lighting a fire. A friend/sister came to meet me. We were meeting in private.
Another self told me I needed to sell the bracelet and pearl in secret to get money for magic items. I was taught to hide my magic. The shell is a good luck charm. Snake bracelet echoing memories of ancient Egyptian Priestess temple codes.
Message: secrecy and fear around doing something that feels truthful.
What does love mean to you?
A devotion of union
Brought forth from within
A love so true
Sticking our tongues in the fire
A mirror to show reflection
Something undiscovered
An equal plane to dance
Playing songs of lustful youth
He is not my keeper
But a teacher guiding wisdom
What is it you teach me?
That I am yet to see?
Two wholes weaving wonder
Tender hearts breaking open
Penetrating claps of thunder
Depths of you, pieces broken
Show me your cracks
And I’ll show you mine
Sewing magic in between
Mending medicine unseen
Heart Layers
Yesterday I cried deeply into my sharp heart as he massaged my chest. So much sadness I felt in there. Heart punctured, leaking rivers through my body. He held me confused, not sure what he did. I reassured it wasn’t him.
We cleaned our rose garden, pulling weeds past overgrown. Noticing layers of life in this ecosystem we planted together. New, but far from perfect.
Last night I dreamt of old friends—things didn’t end well between us. They were getting married and I wasn’t welcome. I was harassed and attacked for being there at all. My family leaving me to the wolves. I felt like no one loved me.
I woke to find an empty bed.
Waking and into subconscious again, I chased my dog across the street, fearful she would get hit by a car or run away and never come back.
I woke to find an empty bed.
I got up this time, ready to start my day. Dragging myself to the living room, finding my body sucked into the couch. He told me he needed to move the car, roofers were coming to work on the house.
As I lay one foot in reality, the other in my dreams, I listen to the shedding of old things fly away. Banging, banging, banging…would the house come down?
It became so clear—the house was me.
Shedding layers, revealing a once buried surface.
Letting go with acceptance.
A Slow, Sensual Self Pleasure Journey
As I sat in the stillness of my heart, I began to cry a deep seated sob, as I felt the electric pulse of my womb and heart come alive.
This is where I’m meant to be.
Owning my power as a Queen so that I can step up fully in service. Claiming my sexual energy as a force of Divine creation.
This is exactly where I’m meant to be.
Journey with the Father/Masculine
He told me that we both have drive and passion, although for different things, we share these qualities. A very grounded and patient energy. He gave me the gift of a gold watch; symbolizing DRIVE, PATIENCE & WEALTH.
Queen & King Union
Landing softly like angels, hugging one another and becoming one together. A powerful union.
Merging of the two was almost repelling. A clashing of power—like they were at war with one another. I feel this a lot of ways in myself—merging the two harmoniously is the work I will continue doing.
Noticing layers of life in this ecosystem we planted together. New, but far from perfect.
September
Gusts of Gaia
Her curves like thunder
Aching waves of plunder
Her rage like fire
Relentless in her flames
Step into her fire
Consumed from within
Erotic magnetism
Jewels of delicious sin
Sensual seduction
Oozing from her lips
Sweet nectar a plenty
Never yours to devour
Will you listen
To the breath
When she tells you
Treat me softly?
Or will you pillage,
Ravage,
For your selfish
Greedy sin?
I provide for you
I’d die for you
And this
is what I get?
I asked her
What her name is
She said
You know me well
Creation through molten lava
A bang so loud
It reads as silence
Have you got it now?
With pestilent patience
I listened to
The gracious gusts of Gaia
How could I forget?
October
Channeled Message from Het-Hert/Hathor
Place this on your altar as a reminder, it is whom you are speaking with.
Listen to the stars and connect to the void within—your womb space, a personal place of creation. This is your power. To connect within is a gift.
Feel the power of the womb. Repeat the words: RA MA HUM
We wish to continue speaking with you if you choose. But only if you choose.
Continue to open your heart space. Listen to the music. Feel it in the body.
Hathor is within you.
My dearest ancestors,
Thank you…for your love, your sacrifice, your duty, your fear, your courage, your Spirit, your wisdom, your grace, your confidence, your voice, and your magic. You are the reason I am here. All that you have given up, the choices you have made, the love given and created…lead to me. Right now, in this moment.
November
Holographic Sound
I spent a weekend in a super trippy and deeply healing experience through sound.
I traveled to other countries, other dimensions, hidden ancient Priestess temples made of obsidian. I had astral body sex, a full body orgasm, and integrated my inner masculine through heart healing vibrations.
This experience gave me one of the greatest gifts of all: the confidence to use my voice.
Channeled Practice from MM: Balancing of the Lunar & Solar Energies (Feminine & Masculine)
Using Ida (lunar-left body, right brain) & Pingala (solar-right body, left brain) pathways begin by imagining the two at the root chakra. Breathing and building up the energy in this space.
Holding inhale and PC muscles for 4 or more seconds at root chakra to active.
Repeat for each chakra. Switching pathways at each, weaving back & forth.
Ending with the third eye, during this last breath hold, dripping the nectar of each pathway into a chalice.
Exhale, pouring the nectar from the chalice over the body – all bones, organs, muscles, skin and cells.
Integrate in silence.
December
Too Little, Too Late
As the city is blanketed
In white flakes of snow
My body retreats inward
Listening to vibrating rhythms
I thought about yesterday
And the words we spoke
You darted me with sounds
I did not understand
It’s too little, too late
I did everything I could
To keep you in my life
And I realized I don’t need you
Or anyone else for that matter
I’ve excavated my soul
Built necessary forts
To keep you out of my heart
And now you say this?
It’s too little, too late
I honestly don’t know what to say
The words—they lose me…
Choked.
Blocked.
Remote.
We’re done here.
Winter Solstice
Walk into the stillness of your heart
The truth you chase can be found here
Sleep into the essence of creation
I hover as I lay here
A Remembrance
I remember when we expanded our consciousness together to create a more aligned future for all.
